Part II

Hola from Mexico! Lenny and i got here yesterday and we are hoping to get a co-entry up real soon. In the meantime, here's the rest of my rock n' roll musings...

I started wondering what if unintentionally, a husband did detract from my walk with Christ? Already, there is so much in my life that distracts me in my walk. There is my job, my family, books, television, and my addiction to shoes and handbags. None of these things are necessarily bad- some are very good, even essential- but they’re all things that, if I’m not diligent with my prayer life and my time in the Word, can easily shift my priorities away from Christ. If, as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7, it’s perfectly acceptable to stay unmarried and so focus one’s attention on Jesus, then perhaps, for the sake of my Christian walk, I’m better off not complicating things. I was all ready to embrace this philosophy except something about it struck me as cowardly. If the spirit God has given me is one of self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7), then I don’t think Jesus would want me to eschew something because of a fear of the what-ifs.
I wound up listing potential life scenarios to gain more clarity about my desire to marry, being careful to include all the things I expected to get out of marriage and all the things I thought my life would be like if I never got married. For life with marriage, security and companionship seemed to be the two major incentives. Specifically, I realized that I viewed marriage as a means of emotional and financial security.
That was when I had my Paul on the road to Damascus (Acts 9) moment.
That I fostered such a belief was a rather shocking and unpleasant revelation for someone who prides herself on being independently minded. Not only does it not say much for how I view my own abilities, it hurt to know that in spite of all God has done to meet my needs in the past, I didn’t trust Him with my future. Instead, I trusted a guy that doesn’t even exist in my life to take care of my future.
Once I saw that (and confessed), I could consider life without marriage objectively. Surprisingly, it wasn’t such a bad picture. I imagined myself, fifty years old, white-haired with nary a wrinkle in sight (it could happen) working with children, serving the Lord, and typing away at my laptop late into the night.
I don’t know if that is what God has for me or if marriage is in my future; I can’t even say that I prefer one over the other. What I do know is that whichever way my life winds up, I can trust that the future God has for me is the best one.
Reaching that place, in giving my post-concert worries to God, I have peace. And I am glad.
This isn’t to say that every day is easy. It’s not. I have more rough patch moments than I wish I did. But God has equipped me with a battle plan for such moments, not just in regards to marriage but in giving all of my future to Jesus.
One of the most important things I have learned is the need to pour out my heart to Jesus constantly. Since I tried my Just How Bad game with marriage, I have been working hard at being honest with Jesus about everything that is in my heart, not just the things I think He wants to hear or I am comfortable admitting.
I thought I was doing pretty well with this until the day I took a rather splendid fall at a church conference. I was leading a discussion group for teenage girls and this guy was leading a similar boys group. I happened to overhear his group discussion and from his words, it was evident that he really had a heart for Christ. I didn’t talk to him that day but a few weeks later, I went to his church and planned to “accidentally” bump into him when I learned from a mutual friend that he was practically engaged.
I came home that night and cried because I finally understood what Peter felt when he wept bitterly (Matthew 26:75). Peter wept because he’d betrayed Jesus and I wept for the same reason. Whether I did it unconsciously or not, I realized that I’ve been so diligent about spending my quiet time with Jesus, reading and studying the Bible so faithfully, and taking an active role in my church’s ministry as a means of getting good enough for Jesus to get my reward- marriage. Once again, I’d put someone else and something else above Jesus and by doing so, I told Jesus He wasn’t enough for me.
It has been a struggle to let Christ have control of my desires and to everyday, let Him lead while I follow. I have no doubt, for years to come, that I will have many more moments when I cry out to Jesus because I’ve thought I was doing so well in my walk only to stumble. Yet I am blessed to be able to tell the maker of the universe anything. All of the doubts, all of the fears, all of the hopes in my heart, I can give them to God.
Talking to my sisters has never been more vital to me than in regards to men and marriage. On my post-concert journey, my sisters have listened to me whine, hooked me up with helpful scripture, and told me to get my eye back on Jesus when my thoughts and actions were decidedly un-godlike. They are an encouragement and in so many ways, a manifestation of Christ’s love for me.
If you’re blessed with such women in your life, praise God for it. If you’re not, ask God for such friends. One of the great things about God is when we make requests of Him that are borne from a desire to honor Him, He is faithful to provide us with what we need.
In spite of having peace about leaving marriage with God, I sometimes worry that I will succumb to fears or well-intentioned familial pressure and just marry anyone. At such moments, I am comforted by the fact that I can rely on God to carry me to stay rooted in Him and persevere. The more I give of myself to Christ, the more I realize how able He is to save me from myself. It isn’t always easy. Sometimes, it’s very hard but there is comfort in knowing that no one- myself included- loves me more than Jesus. So how can I not trust Him to have a future for me far better than anything I could imagine for myself?
My rock n’ roll revelation has also taught me that Jesus definitely has a sense of humor. My sister recently announced her engagement to a long-time family friend. This is cause for much celebration in my family and I’m certainly excited to know there is someone else in the world who is now obligated to buy me birthday presents. I am less than pleased, however, at spending most Saturdays running bridal errands.
If you have peace that marriage is something God has for you but you find yourself anxious for when it will happen, help a friend plan her wedding. It is a great way to dull the need to get married. Nothing makes you want less to get married than seeing everything that goes into a wedding day. Trust me. Try it. Although be warned, it might put you off flower arrangements and tulle for life.
Lastly, all of this introspection has made me realize how blessed I really am. There is something to be said for having my own room, leaving the dishes in the sink, and eating ice cream in bed without having to share the spoon. From what I’ve seen, compromise is essential to a successful marriage. So for all us singles, we might as well enjoy the perks!

What do I want?

So Lenny has been on my case to post something. And I’ve been meaning to but nothing witty, brilliant and bright was coming to me. So… back when I thought I would be a journalist, I put together this article. Unfortunately, it turns out I waited too long to get it published. So, coming at you in two parts (here's part I; I'll post the second part from Mexico!), for you, my global family, here is my article that never was….

Marriage, Faith, and Rock n’ Roll
Earlier this year, a friend and I went to our first Kutless concert. While we’ve both been fans of their music for some time, neither of us knew all that much about the band. So, the Friday before the concert, we both slacked off at our respective jobs to visit the Kutless website.
Our reactions to it were pretty much the same.
Her email: Did you notice that everyone in the band is kind of young?
My email: Yes. Did you notice that they’re all married and got married when they were 12? Except the drummer. He’s not married. He’s four.
Her email: I know! And the drummer? I’m sure he’s got married. They just haven’t had time to update the website.
Our emails- no doubt, seem strange. Especially since, as far as I know, no one in Kutless got married at twelve and all the guys in the band- including Jeffrey Gilbert, the drummer, are in their 20s. But really, if you’re single, of a certain age, and go to churches where everyone tries to marry you off, this is how you too will think.
The night of the concert, halfway through Disciple’s set my friend leaned over and whispered, “I’ve been checking and so far all the guys have wedding rings on!”
It was, for me, a Bonnie Tyler moment (for those of you not familiar with the great Ms. Tyler, think of the fairy godmother’s number in Shrek II). Where have all the good men gone? Well Bonnie, I don’t know about all good men but I’m starting to think that all the Christian men got married. And apparently, most of them did it before they hit twenty-two.
I became a Christian at twenty-four. While I’ve had moments where I’ve wished my walk with Christ started in childhood, for the most part, I don’t question God’s timing. But at that concert, it suddenly struck me that most of the Christian men I know, either personally or from their ministry, the ones who love Christ first and everything else second, the ones who seem to truly desire God’s will in their lives, all those guys- at least the ones around my age- are already married.
Logically, I know there must be single guys my age or older who have made Christ their first priority. It’s just that I don’t know any of them. I don’t need to marry a God-lovin’ rock star (although in my pre-salvation days when my friends and I made up lists of the guys we had to date before we died, rock star, guy with motorcycle, British accent man, and Bon Jovi (I’m from New Jersey) were my top picks). I would, however, like to marry a man who glows in the dark with his love for Christ.
But what if there’s no one like that for me?
As a Christian, I know I’m supposed to leave my worries with God. I tried a lot of things to do just that. I took some practical steps- like reading the Bible and looking at books by Christian writers on marriage, knowing God’s will and singleness- and some not-so-practical steps that are slightly mortifying to admit- like writing letters to my nonexistent spouse. In the end, while everything I did was helpful, none gave me the peace that came from doing what I should have done from the start which was talk to God.
For me, talking to God required first being honest with myself and asking a fundamental question: do I want marriage more than a closer relationship with God?
No was the first answer that popped into my head but then I got thinking and realized maybe it's not that easy...